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Saturday, January 24, 2009

January 24, 2009

OK, I know what you are doing. You figure if you don't tell me where I left off, I will forget and move onto another subject. At my advanced age I might forget about my adventure all together. I might even forget where I put my blog, and head off into the sunset. It's not going to work. I am going to finish my adventure, and I am going to start the day before my surgery. That is where I wanted to restart in the first place.

I was given a long list of instructions of what to do the day prior to my surgery. I figured the day prior to my surgery would be an excellent time to read them. I know what you are thinking "hey that guy raballard is a procrastinator" I can assure you that is not the truth. I happen to be a "put things off until the last minute person"

If any of you out there have had major surgery, you know the preparation the day prior is vital to your survival. As a public service I feel obliged to share a few intimate things on that important list. Please remember I do this for posterity, so indulge me.

(please familiarize yourself with this list prior to the day prior to surgery, as your life may rely on it) Editor note: Gee I wish I had read that before.

1-Eat only clear liquids for 24 hours prior to appointed surgery.
2-Never run with scissors
3-Don't talk to strangers
4-Never count your chickens before they hatch (unless you are a census taker or a chicken farmer)
5-Wait one hour after eating to swim (Editor: this one confused me, because of the don't eat for 24 hours prior)
6-Tie a yellow ribbon round an old oak tree (Editor: we don't have an old oak tree, or a yellow ribbon, so I tied a faded light brown sock around my neighbors wood fence. I hope the doctor doesn't check)
7-Clean out your system with Fleet Phosphorus at exactly 11:30, repeat in two hours if your system hasn't cooperated.
8-Don't drive, operate heavy machinery while cleaning out your system. You might want to avoid walking and chewing gum also.

There you have the major selling point of the do's and dont's of major day before surgery. I followed the list to the T's, except for the few places I improvised.

I took my Fleet Phosphorus at exactly 11:30 give or take a few minutes. The Fleet stuff is supposed to be added to an eight ounce glass of water. I will let you in on a raballard secret, I hate plain water. I seldom drink it. I was reconsidering my options. I had to choose the worse of two evils 1- living with cancer or 2 drinking an eight ounce glass of water. A eight ounce glass of water with Fleet junk in it made it no more palatable. I of course choose the living with cancer. That was until my wife Mrs. raballard called me a baby. I think her exact words were chicken gizzard sniveling coward baby. I can't have that now can I. I took my medicine. I was not surprised to find out adding Fleet Phosphojunk does not improve the taste of water.

System cleaning junk was now pumping through my body, I could now sit down and watch a little TV before my system needed cleaning. Guess what, the first evil dose of hell water didn't work. I had to take a second dose. I still had an unclean system. My thoughts about Fleet Phoshojunk was not too clean at the time either.

What I am going to say now actually happened, it is way too weird to be made up. The second dose worked like a charm (I wont go into the actual ritual of system cleaning, needless to say it is dirty business) Within one hour of having my Fleet Phosposatin complete it's task, while relaxing watching TV, not bothering a soul. (except my irritated neighbor wondering what a faded sock is doing on his fence) A commercial comes on TV, you know the kind, the class action suit kind.


Warning if you or anyone of your loved ones have taken Fleet Phosphorus in the last five years contact the law offices of R. U. Ready, T. O.dye. Weneed, Mooremoney. Your next of kin might qualify for settlement in our class action suit. Fleet Phoshpokiller damages kidneys and other vital organs. (true story). Great now my kidneys are going to fail. Look on the bright side, my next of kin is going to be paid for my untimely demise, and I will have another fantastic adventure to thrill you with.

The rest of the day prior to my surgery was uneventful. We settled down for my last meal of nothing. Watched a little TV and went to bed early. We had to get up at four am in order to get to the hospital in time to meet my maker. Sorry I misspeled the doctors name, it is M.Y.Maaker.

Darn, I ran out of time again. I was sure I was going to finish my adventure this time. Please accept my apology. Come back soon. I will try to finish this dern-balsted adventure the next time.


Tuesday, January 20, 2009

January 20, 2009

I am taking a break from my adventure to make the following disclosure.

I am a big Technotard, I think that is computer talk for I am a big idiot. I tried to put a people counter on my blog, but as you can see there is not one on my blog.
Not that I really need one, I think I can count the traffic on this blog with a calender. Being a one time math whizz, numbers have always been an important, sometimes useless part of my life. Unless of course if you are actually talking about some life altering number, the number if forgotten, can toss my never chaotic life into ruin, I forget those numbers instantly.

It is important to me to see my blogs traffic. You wouldn't believe the amount of satisfaction I derive from seeing one person visited my site eons ago. Some might chalk it up to vanity, but I chalk it up to something beyond my OCD driven existence, can not control. That and the fact I have no life.

I made several attempts to add this, yet to exist people counter. Failing every time. So I have come up with a better solution.

! !
! ! Chalk board
! !
! !

As you can see, I have added a cute little chalk-board to my blog.
All you, my reader needs to do is place a tally mark upon it when you visit.
I know this is a savant like genius, I will work out the logistics of how to place the tally mark there later.

Please turn out the lights when you leave


Saturday, January 10, 2009

January 10, 2009

It has been brought to my attention that I have left one or two of you in the edge of your seat for far too long. I have an excuse, I haven't felt up to it. Worry no more, I will not leave you in the lurch any longer. Your wishing, hoping, anticipating, snoring, waiting for my final post on my adventure is over.

We last left our hero (that's me) in his doctors office, where he was told of his "condition". If I remember correctly our hero had opted for surgery to remove his "condition". OK are we up to speed? Are you ready? Good, now lets finish my adventure.

I knew I wanted the cancer removed. There was no question about it. Mrs. Raballard agreed with me, so actually my appointment to go over my options was a mere formality. Surgery was the only option as far as we were concerned. My doctor agreed with me (although I think he would agree with which ever option I decided to chose).

As I said before we scheduled my surgery for the end of October, now I could go home and try to relax. My fate was now in the hands of a competent surgeon. There was nothing left for me to do but wait, relax, and worry myself sick. Wrong, did you know that you donate your own blood for your own surgery? I didn't. Did you also know that it takes two visits one week apart in order to donate the right amount of blood? I didn't. I find myself thrown into the wonderful world of blood letting. Running around donating your own blood leaves very little time to relax. My first ordeal was scheduled for October 8th, twenty days prior to my surgery. There is no doubt that donating blood is a noble cause, as long as it goes to the right patient, which in my case is me. I don't know if I am the most deserving patient, but it is after all my blood and I want it back. I would be amiss if I failed to mention the snacks they force you to have after you donate. My next appointment with the legal vampires was scheduled for October 15th, thirteen days before my surgery. My donating was much like the previous appointment (so please read the last few sentences again, go ahead I'll wait.)

I now have thirteen days in which I can relax, watch TV and worry myself sick. Wrong. They have a little thing called pre-op appointment. That's sort of like a meet and greet at the hospital. I scheduled my pre-op appointment for October 21rst, one week prior to my surgery. The pre-op appointment is not for the faint of heart, it is a grueling meet the staff marathon. I met the administrator, the head nurse, the paper shuffling insurance curator, the anesthesiologist, the lunch lady and the janitor all one right after each other. The staff wishing to meet me, and tell me what to expect were lined up for miles. Hours of blood pressure taking, heart monitoring, question answering, dragged on and on. Finlay I signed my name for the last time, crossed my last "T" and dotted the last "I".

The surgery is now official, I have met everybody I am required to meet. I now have seven days left prior to the surgery. I can now go home, relax, be with my family, and worry myself into a coma. Wrong. I get an out of the blue call from the anesthesiologist, he refuses to be apart of my team, unless I get my pace maker checked. (have I failed to tell you I have a pace maker?) I assure the sleep inducer that I had my pace maker checked earlier in the year, but that isn't good enough for him. He tells me he can supply a good hammer, and I can put myself to sleep, but if he doesn't hear from my heart doctor, he will be playing golf on the day of my surgery. I call my heart doctor on Thursday, he is on vacation for two weeks. I now have five days left before the surgery, five days to relax and be with my family, and my heart doctor chose that exact time to go on his Eastern Caribbean Cruise. I asked the receptionist if there was anyway I could get my pace maker checked, it was a case of life or death, my life and my death. I was told the doctor does not check pacemakers, his assistant checked them, and I could come in on Friday and she would check it for me.

Here's where we stand, I have given two pints of my rare blood (my blood has a yellow streak down the middle) I have qualified for the meet and greet marathon. I have had my pace maker checked, and I now have three days left to relax. Wrong, have you ever tried to relax when you are facing major surgery? It can't be done. I am a nervous wreck.

Oh my, where does the time go? It looks as if I will have to make my adventure a four parter. Please come back to here the end of my story. For those that are glued to their seats, please get up and move around. I promise to return to the story in the near future.

Till next time fan.

Raballard, out