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Saturday, January 24, 2009

January 24, 2009

OK, I know what you are doing. You figure if you don't tell me where I left off, I will forget and move onto another subject. At my advanced age I might forget about my adventure all together. I might even forget where I put my blog, and head off into the sunset. It's not going to work. I am going to finish my adventure, and I am going to start the day before my surgery. That is where I wanted to restart in the first place.

I was given a long list of instructions of what to do the day prior to my surgery. I figured the day prior to my surgery would be an excellent time to read them. I know what you are thinking "hey that guy raballard is a procrastinator" I can assure you that is not the truth. I happen to be a "put things off until the last minute person"

If any of you out there have had major surgery, you know the preparation the day prior is vital to your survival. As a public service I feel obliged to share a few intimate things on that important list. Please remember I do this for posterity, so indulge me.

(please familiarize yourself with this list prior to the day prior to surgery, as your life may rely on it) Editor note: Gee I wish I had read that before.

1-Eat only clear liquids for 24 hours prior to appointed surgery.
2-Never run with scissors
3-Don't talk to strangers
4-Never count your chickens before they hatch (unless you are a census taker or a chicken farmer)
5-Wait one hour after eating to swim (Editor: this one confused me, because of the don't eat for 24 hours prior)
6-Tie a yellow ribbon round an old oak tree (Editor: we don't have an old oak tree, or a yellow ribbon, so I tied a faded light brown sock around my neighbors wood fence. I hope the doctor doesn't check)
7-Clean out your system with Fleet Phosphorus at exactly 11:30, repeat in two hours if your system hasn't cooperated.
8-Don't drive, operate heavy machinery while cleaning out your system. You might want to avoid walking and chewing gum also.

There you have the major selling point of the do's and dont's of major day before surgery. I followed the list to the T's, except for the few places I improvised.

I took my Fleet Phosphorus at exactly 11:30 give or take a few minutes. The Fleet stuff is supposed to be added to an eight ounce glass of water. I will let you in on a raballard secret, I hate plain water. I seldom drink it. I was reconsidering my options. I had to choose the worse of two evils 1- living with cancer or 2 drinking an eight ounce glass of water. A eight ounce glass of water with Fleet junk in it made it no more palatable. I of course choose the living with cancer. That was until my wife Mrs. raballard called me a baby. I think her exact words were chicken gizzard sniveling coward baby. I can't have that now can I. I took my medicine. I was not surprised to find out adding Fleet Phosphojunk does not improve the taste of water.

System cleaning junk was now pumping through my body, I could now sit down and watch a little TV before my system needed cleaning. Guess what, the first evil dose of hell water didn't work. I had to take a second dose. I still had an unclean system. My thoughts about Fleet Phoshojunk was not too clean at the time either.

What I am going to say now actually happened, it is way too weird to be made up. The second dose worked like a charm (I wont go into the actual ritual of system cleaning, needless to say it is dirty business) Within one hour of having my Fleet Phosposatin complete it's task, while relaxing watching TV, not bothering a soul. (except my irritated neighbor wondering what a faded sock is doing on his fence) A commercial comes on TV, you know the kind, the class action suit kind.


Warning if you or anyone of your loved ones have taken Fleet Phosphorus in the last five years contact the law offices of R. U. Ready, T. O.dye. Weneed, Mooremoney. Your next of kin might qualify for settlement in our class action suit. Fleet Phoshpokiller damages kidneys and other vital organs. (true story). Great now my kidneys are going to fail. Look on the bright side, my next of kin is going to be paid for my untimely demise, and I will have another fantastic adventure to thrill you with.

The rest of the day prior to my surgery was uneventful. We settled down for my last meal of nothing. Watched a little TV and went to bed early. We had to get up at four am in order to get to the hospital in time to meet my maker. Sorry I misspeled the doctors name, it is M.Y.Maaker.

Darn, I ran out of time again. I was sure I was going to finish my adventure this time. Please accept my apology. Come back soon. I will try to finish this dern-balsted adventure the next time.


1 comment:

  1. I love your posts. You are the funniest person ever. A real gift.